HippyMom Weekly

The Impatient Gardener heads into fall on Gray Gaia.

She’s ready to move forward. She’s the Journeywoman.

Meet The Inside Life’s Traveling Companions.

Guess who’s coming to Hippymom.com? Hathor the Cow Goddess!!!

Melia Lore knows how to Improve Your Marriage.

Fashion, Evolved asks, “Isn’t It Time to Change Your Clothes?”

HippyMom Weekly

Crazycase experiences journous-interruptus.
Mary humbles us, Spectacularly.
Completely Melia.
MamaDuck shows off her new look and brags about her new deals!
In her premier blog, gradmama introduces herself with a bang, and then turns around and shows herself to be a queer-culture, feminist, brainy icon of adoration.

LadyHawk dazzles us with her intuition game.
The Q bring us a new season of eco-fashion… drool-worthy eco-fashion at that!
HippyMom is looking for a few good Broads!
MamaBirdie is being watched.

My opening words…

I attend my local Unitarian Universalist Congregation.  Interestingly enough, I’ve found solace and community in a church – after my childhood, that’s quite amazing.  But that’s a post for another day I suppose.  Anyway, I’m giving opening words and I thought I’d post them here.  I was asked to think/talk about change and keeping the faith in the face of uncertainty. … Something I guess I know a little about.  Note: this might be a  little different than what I actually say but…)

When Rev. E asked me if I would do opening words, she mentioned that she thought I knew a little something about stepping forward into change and moving forward in faith even when I really had no idea what I was doing. She’s right. My life hasn’t exactly been one of five and ten-year plan completion. Or, more accurately, I’ve made five and ten-year goals with little to no actual concept on how I would complete them. And, to add insult to injury, the universe loves to toss me the most unexpected “challenges” at the most inopportune times. At least in my mind. All I’ve ever had is some unexplainable but real faith: faith in the universe, faith in myself, faith in the goodness of humanity. Really, it’s just a “gut” faith that everything will work out. In fact, one of my most repeated statements in life is some variation on “I don’t know, but it’ll be okay.”

I’ll give you a few examples. I decided to leave a volatile long-term relationship, thus losing my notions of being able to create the family I’d always wanted. I seriously lived on the mantra that “it would be okay” because it was the right thing and what choice did I have really? I came to grips with and decided to claim my queer self – how was that going to work? I don’t know, but it’ll be okay. I’m going to be a single mama who needs to support three kids on a GED AND I’m going to go to school. How? I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out. I’m going to move to Goleta with three pre-teen girls and go to graduate school. When I get there, I’m only going to have $200 for a month. It’ll be okay.

See the theme here? With every decision to make changes in life comes a huge amount of anxiety. Rev. B said two weeks ago, it is those periods of anxiety and change that are the times of the biggest growth – this is so true for me. It is scary to navigate those times of uncertainty. It can shake you to your innermost core, make you figure out who you really are, what you really value and believe and what and who you are capable of being. If you believe, even if you can’t verbalize the rational “how”, but if you just hold on the to the gut belief that you are on the right path for you, I’ve found that those times of anxiety and change will produce a stronger, more powerful person with spaces of peace and love for retreat. And the bonus? You’ll find vast possibilities and opportunities for more change…but you’ll be stronger in your belief. It’ll be okay. You’ll figure it out.

First day…

I’m really going to have to work on titles.  Today was the first day of the new quarter. I knew that this was going to be “the” crazy quarter – but I just have to barrell through.  It’s not helpful to maintain the “can-do” attitude with everyone telling you that you can’t, even when that is coming from a place of care and concern.  I’m taking too many classes and have way too much going on.  But, its all important, and at least right now it all seems necessary.  Stay tuned for how I can work all that out.

The fact is that I really enjoy learning.  I love classes actually – I really like the whole process of knowledge-gathering in the academy in terms of classes (there’s certain parts of the proces that I don’t like, but that’s another post).  I get excited about new readings.  I always imagine how its going to be to expand my mind and learn new stuff.  My excited, nervous self wonders how I can contribute, what will I learn?  Most of all, I think its the intellectually stimulating environment – its the people. I love listening to (most) other scholar students talk about what they think and do.  And today’s classes are full of people who are stimulating so for this I am excited and grateful.

So…while I don’t really know how I’m going to get through this quarter, I guess its also true that I never know how I’m going to manage my life.  I never know how I’m going to get three girls to three different places all at the same time while I’m still on campus.  But I always to figure it out (due to the selflessness of about a million other people who I can never actually repay) and this quarter will not be any different.  And I’ll learn a lot – I always learn A LOT.  That’s the point, right?

In the meantime, hug and kiss your kids as much as you can.  Because when they hit pre-teen, teenagerhood, they want nothing from you except for money and food.  Maybe that extra little hug will get you all through.

About grad school and parenting

I imagine there will be multiple posts about this subject but I thought I would start with a slightly edited version of a conversation I had on one of my favorite forums (hippymom.com) with Rachel. She asked for the lowdown:

1) How do you make it?
2) Is it scary?
3) What kind of support do you have with your kids?
4) How do you get the aid/scholarships/loans you need to survive and thrive while finishing school?
5) What about after school?

And here is my answer:

1)  I don’t know. A lot of hard work, luck, help from kind kind people random and not so random. By the hair of my chinny chin chin. Really. I don’t know how. I just do. You just do. If it needs to get done you find a way.

2) Very much so. I don’t know if its more or less scary than simply being a single or not-so-single mama trying to provide, but its scary. More than scary though, its stressful. Its stressfull all the time. It’s not ever easy. You can look at your situation positively and say that it is the best option and you are really lucky to have this opportunity, but it still isn’t easy. I think the biggest difference is this: you have more flexibility because you aren’t chained to a desk and so if one of your kids needs a ride to softball at 3:15, you have a better chance of being able to do that than if you at a job. But then again, you might be in class. Generally its more flexible. And…the university environment can be very enriching – even for kids. And raising them with that expectation and knowing what college is about might increase their chances as well. But anyway…I’m rambling. Oh yea, So you’re more flexible but unlike a regular job, you have to take your work home with you. And your work is never done because there is never a “Finished”. There is always a revision or a next class to prepare for or whatever……

3) So my support has been in the form of kind daycare providers, neighbors, friends. My support has been those people who just understand and won’t blink if I show up with a kid in tow or who will feed them dinner when I frantically call them and say I’m not getting home because dammit I have to finish this paper NOW! My support comes in the form of people who aren’t even friends, who probably give frequent rides to sports because they feel sorry for my girls thinking that their mama just doesn’t care and “those poor children”. My support comes in the form of people here that let me vent and complain and whine. It comes in the form of people who pinned up newspaper articles about me at the bar I worked out because they were so proud of what I accomplished. It comes in the form of advisers who say things like “you must finish your MA by december but you really do need to look at the positive – look at what you HAVE accomplished this quarter – you’ve done alot” (which is really not that true in my mind but it helps a lot to hear!). It comes in the form of love from my children – which hasn’t been coming around lately but seriously. Again, I imagine its the same support I would be getting if I were working… Although, grad school IS different – its a different institution, a different way of life.

4) I work my ass off doing “extra” shit that isn’t even included in the actual academic output. I try to distinguish myself, make myself indispensible, network, sit on and chair committees, anything to get on the CV. Conferences, papers, publications…..I did well enough as an undergrad (by winning prestigious awards and scholarships) that I received a nice funding package to come here.  I work as a TA a monthly salary and guarantees that my fees are paid. But I also add to that income with other jobs and stipended positions as often as possible. In the end, I’m never sure how I’m going to financially make it – but I know I will.  You learn where the resources are and how to get them.  Plus you learn to write grant and fellowship applications.  Well, I guess you are supposed to – I guess I should get on that.

5) What do you mean? For the kids or after graduation? I can’t even think to past graduation right now – I have so far to go and from what I hear, after graduation comes the job market and then the race for tenure. But as far as after school with the kids – I have done Boys&Girls Programs and such, I have begged neighbors, etc. Now, they pretty much come home alone. I try to get home ASAP and often I’m around – but that cuts my productive day off by at least two hours often and that’s if I’m not in a class. But really – after school I’m usually around soon after they arrive home, shuttling kids to extra-curricular activities and sports. IF I return to academics its after they’ve gone to bed. Too often I’m too tired. That’s why I’m not getting anything done.  Wait, that’s the negative self-talk.  Let me re-phrase. That’s why I’m not getting as much done as I would like.
Well and because I’m sitting here doing this instead of writing.  Shhh….don’t tell anyone!
The truth is (and I wrote this in response to Rachel as well) – this is straight talk. I’m not going to lie. Its really hard and maybe if I weren’t having such a difficult time at this exact moment in time I would spin it more positively. But its my truth. Its really hard and quite often I think that I’m both a bad grad student and a bad parent. I definitely thought about quitting this quarter. But ultimately, I love academia and I love what I’m doing. My research fulfills me – teaching excites me. And in this university, there is a home for me – quirky, weird, not-so-fit in anywhere me. It does offer a level of flexibility that allows me to let my dd13 play on three sports teams at once (for a couple weeks a year) and my oldest to cheer and for me to be able to attend so much of their stuff. It allows me to be present in a way that I don’t think I would if I were working in good ol’ corporate America.

If its something you want, you can do it. You will do it. You won’t be stopped. Trust me.

So there it is.

Well…..here goes!

Hello out there!

I’m a single mama and a graduate student in a PhD program.  The “soc” can stand for sociology (my program) or social (me) – take your pick. I have three daughters who are 11, 13, and 14.  I’m 31.  You can do the math. I have a partner who recently moved in with us (brave) but who works out of town most of the time (smart).  I’m growing a container garden. I drive the girls around ALOT. I’m part hippie.  I like all kinds of music.  I’m an activist.  I find that I don’t like nearly as much stupid TV after not having it for a year.  I quit smoking (cigarettes) 22 months ago.  I recently learned that I can run and that its amazingly good for me – but then I hurt my back.  I think I’m going to run anyway. I’m queer (but my partner’s male).  I use cloth grocery bags and am trying to reduce my carbon footprint.  I never used to bicycle but now I love it and try to as much as possible.  I’m listening to Michael Franti radio on Pandora radio right now – I think this is a great channel.

I started this blog because I think I want a place to write about my life and connect with others.  I don’t really know what all I’ll write about – probably parenting teen girls while going to grad school (although they will have to be at least somewhat okay with what I say about them for the most part) and growing a container garden.  I might have something sociological to say – or maybe not.  Is it copy-writeable?  Because I’ve been told my life makes for good reading – I hope people will think so.