I attend my local Unitarian Universalist Congregation. Interestingly enough, I’ve found solace and community in a church – after my childhood, that’s quite amazing. But that’s a post for another day I suppose. Anyway, I’m giving opening words and I thought I’d post them here. I was asked to think/talk about change and keeping the faith in the face of uncertainty. … Something I guess I know a little about. Note: this might be a little different than what I actually say but…)
When Rev. E asked me if I would do opening words, she mentioned that she thought I knew a little something about stepping forward into change and moving forward in faith even when I really had no idea what I was doing. She’s right. My life hasn’t exactly been one of five and ten-year plan completion. Or, more accurately, I’ve made five and ten-year goals with little to no actual concept on how I would complete them. And, to add insult to injury, the universe loves to toss me the most unexpected “challenges” at the most inopportune times. At least in my mind. All I’ve ever had is some unexplainable but real faith: faith in the universe, faith in myself, faith in the goodness of humanity. Really, it’s just a “gut” faith that everything will work out. In fact, one of my most repeated statements in life is some variation on “I don’t know, but it’ll be okay.”
I’ll give you a few examples. I decided to leave a volatile long-term relationship, thus losing my notions of being able to create the family I’d always wanted. I seriously lived on the mantra that “it would be okay” because it was the right thing and what choice did I have really? I came to grips with and decided to claim my queer self – how was that going to work? I don’t know, but it’ll be okay. I’m going to be a single mama who needs to support three kids on a GED AND I’m going to go to school. How? I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out. I’m going to move to Goleta with three pre-teen girls and go to graduate school. When I get there, I’m only going to have $200 for a month. It’ll be okay.
See the theme here? With every decision to make changes in life comes a huge amount of anxiety. Rev. B said two weeks ago, it is those periods of anxiety and change that are the times of the biggest growth – this is so true for me. It is scary to navigate those times of uncertainty. It can shake you to your innermost core, make you figure out who you really are, what you really value and believe and what and who you are capable of being. If you believe, even if you can’t verbalize the rational “how”, but if you just hold on the to the gut belief that you are on the right path for you, I’ve found that those times of anxiety and change will produce a stronger, more powerful person with spaces of peace and love for retreat. And the bonus? You’ll find vast possibilities and opportunities for more change…but you’ll be stronger in your belief. It’ll be okay. You’ll figure it out.
September 20, 2009 at 8:48 am
Just the fact that you are facing the anxiety shows that you can beat it. Sometimes, its hard to get up and beat down the monsters, but its a hell of a lot better than being devoured by them.
September 20, 2009 at 9:02 am
[...] her premier blog, gradmama introduces herself with a bang, and then turns around and shows herself to be a queer-culture, [...]
September 20, 2009 at 11:12 am
[...] her premier blog, gradmama introduces herself with a bang, and then turns around and shows herself to be a queer-culture, [...]