Mama'ing, Studying, Changing, Being….

the first week

Posted on January 9, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized |

Or…….what I learned “the first week of 2010″.  I wonder if this is going to be one of those “character-building” years. It certainly started off with a bang.  I had to think about my mortality, my oldest turned fifteen, and it was the first week back at work/school.  Craziness.

First, the mortality bit. I suppose that’s sort of over-dramatizing it a bit. But the painful lump my neck that appeared in December and never went away did sort of get dramatic.  And expensive.  Three different doctors, two antibiotics, and a CT scan later, it seems that it is an infection (that people just get) and that the latest antibiotic should take care of it. Indeed it does seem smaller.  And while I never REALLY thought it was cancer, that nagging feeling that my fourteen years of smoking was catching up to me still hasn’t quite gone away.  Thank goodness that isn’t the case but I’m figuring that I had better think about my health a little more seriously and be a little more kind to my body this year.  I’ll leave it at that and NOT describe the side effects of the fluorescent blue antibiotics I’m on.  I can’t wait to be fully back and in the gym.

And actually, the experience allowed me to be grateful for the four IRL friends who, regardless of their physical proximity, offered their continuous support via text message and phone calls (and in person) over the week – concerned for me and helping me calm myself just by being there and caring.  Having also encountered friendship drama this week (maybe I’ll blog about that another time), I’m very much aware of how much I care for the friends that were there for me (and are otherwise).  I’m also grateful for online community – hippymoms were there en masse to offer support and stories of similar happenings to them when I threw up a whining post.

That brings us to the 15 year-old.  In the days leading up to her birthday, I was trying to process that me, socgradmama, was going to be the mama of a 15 year old. For some reason, that number just seems so awesome and amazing.  I mean, I managed to keep her alive for fifteen whole years.  And, despite my mistakes, she’s doing damn good. She’s becoming so self-assured and confident.  It’s almost as if I’m watching her come to know herself.  She will advocate for herself, motivate herself to do projects that make sense to her (even if only to her) and has goals.  She’s an introvert but has become comfortable in that and knows how to reach outside to get what she needs all while surrounding herself with friends who she finds affinity with.  I’m more impressed with her every day.  And I’m DELIGHTED that she sees herself going to college. I have done something right.  (She got guitar lessons and tennis lessons for her birthday.  She’s stoked!)

Finally, there’s the first week.  Why do I always expect them to be calm, quiet beginnings.  They never are but I’m always surprised!  and this week was no exception.  Of course, it was additionally anything but calm given the above events, but still.  New students (which are always exciting but work), new classes (ditto), and a new job (for a couple extra bucks and not too much work so yay!) plus bureaucratic tasks and a way-too-long to-do list to begin with.  I’m not complaining, life IS good!  But it was crazy. I’m anxious for the routine – the gym, the writing time, the teaching routine, etc. I did start the crockpot routine – so dinner is easier for the girls and I.

I feel like I should have a nice pithy conclusion.  There isn’t one. I admit that I cursed questioned the universe a few times this week.  I vacillated between self-pity and determination to just proceed  – to simply acknowledge the happenings keep movin’ on.  If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it is that the universe doesn’t “do” anything to us, it simply provides the space for us to move among each other, among the wonders of nature, with the energy that is created by the force that is us.  I went to the beach for 15 minutes the other day, determined that I was going to leave the worry and the fear in the universe so that I could continue with the tasks at hand and prepare for my daughter’s day.  I saw no fewer than 3 groups of dolphins in that 15 minutes.  I breathed in Nature’s energy, thanked the universe for that space and went on.

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