Mama'ing, Studying, Changing, Being….

Present

Posted on January 12, 2010. Filed under: Uncategorized |

Last November I had the privilege of attending CAMP Courage Sacramento (see here for the CAMP Courage Central Coast that is happening Jan 30 and 31st, and see here for my blog post about it). I learned a lot at Camp about the struggle for social justice. But one of the things I learned ended up being relevant to life in general, not just how to tell my story to build community and persuade people of the value of equal rights for LGBTQ folks. I learned that getting my point across, that being powerful, was done not only by the words said, but by the way that they were said. Lisa Powell is one of the faculty trainers for Camp Courage and I think she has to be one of the most gifted speakers I’ve ever met. It wasn’t because of what she said, but how she said it. She would speak with such measured thoughtfulness that you were completely drawn in. You felt her presence completely and totally – there was little distraction (and I’m pretty easily distracted by the nearest shiny object). I left that weekend so much the better for it, not only because of the knowledge gained and the experience shared, but because I learned something from Lisa about how to “be.”

At the time I knew that this was important and I even commented on it. But I didn’t tie it to anything else in my life until the next month. I think mostly I considered it a lesson to be used in my organizing life and maybe in my teaching. But at the end of November I had a rough time with my girls. I’m not all about putting their teenage business on the Internets, but let’s just say that there were some issues and it took some pretty major drama to make the changes occur that needed to happen for there to be more balance in our family life. It became clear that “I” needed to make some changes in order to manage the project that is parenting teens at all successfully.

One of the things that happened was that someone approached me with the “suggestion” that my kids felt neglected. Now, any parent bristles when someone suggests that they are neglectful of their kids – and I was no different. But as I moved through that and began to make the necessary steps to stabilize the household and re-establish a semblance of balance, I learned that a lot of the time, I was so caught up in the insanity that is my teenagers’ lives, my grad student life, my activist life, etc., that I didn’t ever become fully present in any one situation. I was there and I was taking care of the basic tasks, but I wasn’t always there fully.  And, because I wasn’t fully present in the moment, it was difficult to focus.  It was difficult to focus my emotions, my mental processes, etc.  This meant that I had diminished capacity for any one and every task at any given time.

I didn’t realize this so succinctly right off the bat.  What happened was that I was so concerned about my children and my family that I just stopped.  I dug deep and found the space to focus on the one thing that was most important to me – my girls.  I plowed through the anxiety that surrounds me and just focused on figuring out how to deal with that one situation.  And what happened was that I was able to be calm.  I didn’t have to yell to get my point across (something that doesn’t work after awhile anyhow), I didn’t even have to threaten. I just had to calmly hold my ground.  As long as I was fully present when with the girls, I could remain calm.  And oddly enough, changes began to happen. Their behavior began to improve.  I don’t know if my girls felt like they were neglected, but I’m sure that they recognized that they didn’t have all of “me”.  But as long as I am wholly present in the moment and move with purposeful action every step, I am able to move us through what needs to happen and the girls cooperate.

As a bonus, as all of this was occurring, I was also facing some really huge deadlines and right before the holidays.  I approached those deadlines the same way – with focus that was more calm and present. All of a sudden I realized that I was accomplishing my work AND I was doing it with considerably less anxiety.  Even the holidays didn’t throw me off nearly as much as they usually do.

The universe has a funny way of teaching us things – if we pay attention we can tie the threads together.  From a weekend social justice CAMP, the upheavals of parenting teen girls, and the challenges of deadlines during the holidays, I learned that I “can” handle an awful lot – being a graduate student, a single mama, an active and involved organizer – IF  I am fully present.  When I speak with measured thoughtfulness, when I “am” fully present, I more power.  I have more power to persuade people, to garner their cooperation, to lead them.   I can get more done and I can do it with far less anxiety and therefore with more enjoyment.

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