Forgive the car analogy but I run ‘hot’ all the time (and no, I’m not referring to my stunning good looks either). Yes, I’m in counseling talking about reasons for this and trying out ways of handling stress more effectively, but at some level, it’s just part of who I am. Add living in a house with three teen women, who share my genes (poor things) and I fear that the angst level seeps through the walls to unleash itself upon the unsuspecting neighbors.

When I first moved to grad school, my neighbors at the time were runners. I hadn’t ever contemplated running for any reason other than perhaps, and this was a big perhaps, if someone I thought I couldn’t effectively punch out was chasing me. I did know that I liked lifting weights and outdoor ‘activity’ but it was something I talked about more than did and when I did some form of activity, I could never sustain it despite all good intentions. You know what they say about good intentions.

So I got to grad school and discovered that I was at that moment so poor that there was no cigarette buying. Meet running neighbors, inject some fantasy of a healthy, buff body and I bought a pair of running shoes. Six months later I ran a half-marathon. That was foolish, yes, but I still have the T-shirt. Besides throwing my back out for real afterwards forced me to physical therapy and some very real ‘thinking’ about my state of being (while I hobbled around).

I suppose the other relevant event in the history of my current love affair/addiction to exercise was that I got the opportunity to begin enjoying the outdoors in a physcial way, mostly due to the fact that I finally met some women friends who liked to be outdoors as much as me. Finally I had reason to be as well. And…I still wanted that buff bod….

Now I do a variety of physical activity in a week. Since the beginning of last summer I have lost at least 15 lbs and, more importantly, morphed fat cells into muscle cells. My kids tell me I have a four-pack. I’ve hiked, swam, ran, biked, kayaked, done yoga, and hit the gym.

And suddenly what I’ve noticed? Besides all of the noticeable physical benefits, I have discovered that my mental health has become dependent on my ability to get out there and work my body into a sweat. This is partly because often my exercise takes me outside where I connect with Mother Nature which fills my soul. There’s little I like more than running with the dragonflies, kayaking with dolphins (really that’s quite possibly the most awesome thing after giving birth), or hiking in the clouds. And of course moving the body releases the chemicals that do funny physio things that I’m sure scientists would attribute as the cause of my stress relief. But the most significant happening, and the one that prompted this explosion (besides the fact that I’m procrastinating reading some academic something while waiting for teen1 to finish at the dentist and I can type this on the trusty bberry) is the fact that I’ve decided that I traded in my cigarette addiction for an exercise addiction.

When I don’t get exercise in a day, or at least most days, I can feel the angst in my body build and build until it simmers underneath my skin and, like the pasta pot over gas that’s just a little too high, boils over every time I open my mouth. Remember that seeping angst? It feeds the pot and when it boils over that angst in my house is like a combustible semi barreling down I5. Stopping that truck requires the intervention of running shoes. So when I can’t focus, can’t complete one more task (or any at all), can’t roll with the angst of the teens for one more blasted minute, can’t think of the dissertation as a great opportunity for learning and career advancement but am avoiding it like it’s the devil’s own handiwork, cannot bear to look at the inbox from hell, or do or think any productive positive thing, I’m overdue for exercise.

Double work out days? You know I’m in the thick of it and I’ve moved beyond preventative or fun (yes, I do have fun exercising, gasp!) to self-medication.

Did I mention that I have a four-pack?

Whatever it is, it seems clear to me that I’m going to have to revise my reasons for blogging – at least with this blog. Maybe it needs to be about documenting the trials and tribulations of mothering three teenage, or two teenage and one ridiculously close to teenage preteen, by myself in an ever-growing community, while I pursue my doctorate and try to positively impact the world in as many ways possible. And of course, I really want to do all that while having fun, while pursuing an emotionally, spiritually and physically healthy self. I guess I am egotistical and idealistic, and maybe just a little bit ballsy, because I think I can do all that and I think the process should be documented in some way. And maybe, just maybe, there are others who will read, engage me in conversation, and benefit in some way from my ruminations. But mostly it seems clear to me that this blog has to be about me and for me, otherwise I won’t do it.

Of course my biggest obstacle, even for blogging for myself, is time. I did manage to finish the MA and coursework so there’s only classes to prep, articles to write, and comps to read for. And the amount of time that I spend waiting for the girls to be ready to go to x, y, or z, is rivaled only by the amount of time I spend in the family taxi. I could use that time to tap out a blog post but then those posts might be all about how frustrated I get waiting. (Remind me to write about my issues with control and how my girls’ failure to be where I want when I’m ready is a sure trigger.) Anyhow, I need to think about time some more. How I use it and don’t and how maybe I should use it in order to fulfill some of these tasks that I’m somehow compelled to return to even though there isn’t anyone forcing me, its not going to change the world, and I might even NOT want people to see my neurosis so up close and personal.

Potential blog topics;
Control and the lack thereof
Time

Hmm, I bet those are related.

Anyhow, I’ve had a great summer so far, especially because I took an extended break from academics in order to recover from, I mean enjoy, the process of finishing the MA, take care of the aforementioned teens and all their summer activities (because they’ve been with me for most of the summer) and to enjoy my new girlfriend with whom I’d no doubt be cuddling instead of tapping this out if she weren’t off being a superwoman and biking the western coast of the U.S. All of these things have gotten me tanner, in better physical shape than I’ve been in a long time, and pretty damn happy. But I guess I’ve also felt the need to reconnected to the blogs. So here goes.

P.S. The discussion on Blogging 101 over at www.hippymom.com gave me the little kick in the rear to get back to it now!

ATS represent! Durrah tells us what to buy and where to buy it.

HippyMom says you are your own soul mate. You complete… you. Dig it?

Ladyhawk manifests her latest huaca.

A different kind of shimmy hits Kozmique.

Melia takes a break from Debauchery week to snuggle with her Blankee!

Moving forward is MamaBirdie’s next step. Get it?

Nefertitties is the luckiest beach around, tetanus and all.

The Bean is a budding evil mastermind. Really.
For last week. I’m late. As usual. I’ll put up some of my own original writing this week too…..as soon as I get some inspiration. In the meantime, enjoy my friends’ creative meanderings!

MamaBirdie reunites, and it feels so good!

LadyHawk reveals a secret.

Destination: Maine! Nefertitties trips out!

When it doubt, gradmama books it to the coast.

Melia spends some QT with her favorite Zombie hunter.

Koz joins the Digit@l Pros(e) ranks, and comes out with style!

So after a frustrated moment this morning when I snapped at kid number two (and yes I know this happens, but really, it happens WAY too often and I’ll be the first to admit it), I decided that I had better take my butt to the bluffs and see if I could find a little inner peace so I can get through today.  It’s not exercise or food, but….

I got out there and sat silently looking at the waves and the birds (and the surfers) and realized that I just feel really out of control because I can’t single-handedly cope effectively with everything that is going on in my world in an effective way.  I do need help.  And I thought to myself that there’s something about being a graduate student single mother of three teenagers that makes me understand why it’s so useful to believe in a god.  After all, if you believe in a god that sees everything and wills all that is to be, then you can rest knowing that a) you can’t help it because it’s supposed to be like that, b) there’s someone out there who cares and will help you, c) it will be alright, if not now, then in the afterlife.  I can see why people who are stressed too the maximum and feel no control over their lives would be completely committed to such a belief. I mean, if you are out of control, then at least knowing that someone does and eventually you’ll be okay because this is the way it’s supposed to be, has got to be somewhat helpful, right?

But I don’t believe in that kind of god.  Sitting there I was thinking, what do I believe?  I do believe in the 7 UU principles, but they serve as a guide for relationship and action.  They don’t provide me with a belief in an all-knowing, all-powerful god that will take care of me, or at least who has willed what is to be.  The closest that I can come to believing in something else out there is through belief in “the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part”.  I am part of the ocean and it is part of me. I am part of the seagulls and the pelicans and the little birds that scurry along the shore, running with the tide.  There is something bigger than me – there is all of us.   I can’t pray to it and it isn’t going to fix anything but it does ground me.  If I can be present there, with that vastness that is all of us, then surely I can be a little more present in every other little interaction with my girls, with my work, and so on.

To be continued…must go hold office hours and write something academic.

Anyway, enjoy what my Hippymom friends have been writing!

FunkyBlueLovin’ imagines me and you, and you and me… no, wait, she’s just manifesting her perfect life.

Got Tribal? Nefertitties does, and now has a piece of paper to prove it. She also just turned 31, and desperately needs a party… with spankings!

Speaking of birthday parties, Scarlet Mae goes from peaceful beach retreat to preschool party central, in a matter of hours… with pepsi.

Signs, signs, everywhere are signs. Melia, are you listening?

HippyMom sucks, blows and gets dirty, with the help of a PervyBird.

MamaBirdie knows she’s never really alone.

Stumbling on a cure for her ills, Yums gets all tingly.

I think I can say without over-exaggeration that mornings are the worst time of day in my house lately. My teens will NOT get out of bed prior to ten minutes before we have to leave in order to get to school on time. And if they do, they move so slowly that we’re still late! I’ve tried everything that I can think of (and that google searches suggest) and I’m still getting nowhere.

-I’ve quit excusing their tardies so they have to suffer the consequences at school. However, eventually that too rolls back on the parent.
- I start waking them up earlier.
- I wake them up later.
- I buy alarm clocks.
- I put music on in the morning.
- I keep it quiet in the morning.
- I make them go to bed at a reasonable hour. I’m about to make them go to bed at an unreasonably early hour.
- I threaten to remove their phones, not let them see their friends, not let them live.
- I follow through with the above (well, they’re still living).
- I yell loud enough that I’m sure the neighbors get up early enough to be out of their house by the time my kids are supposed to wake up.
- I set their alarm and leave the house, only to return right when they need to get in the car.
- I text them from the living room.

I’m seriously at my wits’ end. If I hadn’t gone directly to the gym and run a couple of miles (at a rather quick pace too) after dropping them off, I would not be okay now. It isn’t good for any of us to start our day like that. We need peace in the morning, life is WAY too stressful as is.

And please don’t say “natural consequences” like they just miss school – that isn’t an option. They’d be partying it up at home while I’m at work stressing over the fact that they’re at home partying it up. Trust me, not a good suggestion for our house.

This isn’t exactly what I had in mind for this blog, but I guess there’s nothing more real about life as a grad student mother of teens than the nastiness of mornings. I know teen morning hell isn’t confined to grad student mamas so speak up please!!

Tribal Style has posted her February Featured Video for your viewing pleasure.

Read the stream of consciousness Grammy Commentary by Melia Lore.

Find out what February has in store on the Official Hippymom.com Blog.
Calming Winds gives her readers specific instructions for using a pendulum to Communicate With Your Inner Self.

SocGradMama shares a Precious Moment with her teenage daughters.

Equality and Justice 4 All ponders A Peaceful, Inclusive Faith.

Of course the back-track on that included: “What I meant was, your boobs are bigger.” As if that makes it better…

More moments to come. Have any you’d like to share??

SocGradMama is pulling her hair out in Homework Hell(p)!

Equality and Justice 4 All tells us What Pissed Me Off This Week.

Are you Missing the Miraculous? Spectacular Me! says, “snap out of it!”

Calming Winds reminds us that no matter what happens around us, we can survive by Clinging to the Core.

Melia Lore is corrupting the youth with her feminist sex studies. Read all about it: Sex and the Melia.

The Official Hippymom Blog has a great Valentine Kid Craft Project for your family to try this month.

Wouldn’t You Like To Know what she’s watching on TV?

Luscious Decadence has come up with 10 Ways to Give Back.

Moves in Curves is Snowed In!

I don’t think you’re ready for this Jelly Jaunt on the Inside Life.

Gray Gaia is just looking for a reason to celebrate.

Don’t forget to sign up for the upcoming online workshops being offered at Hippymom.com during the month of February:

Tuning Your Senses

Scrapbooking

Freelancing